The Singles Bar: 30/07/12

At Singles Bar HQ, fewer than forty miles from the Olympic Park, we’ve been celebrating the finest athletes in the world pushing their bodies to the limit of human endeavour in the only way we know how – sitting in front of the television all weekend and roaring advice to these finely honed specimens while we hoover up junk food. Of course, the real story for music fans was the fantastic medley in the opening ceremony (we also loved the NHS tribute, artistic, Socialist, lentil-munching, yoghurt-knitting leftie liberals that we are) which ran from The Beatles to Tinie Tempah via Bowie, Blur and more. All of which makes this week’s selection that much more of an ordeal…

Drake feat. The Weeknd – Crew Love

Never knowingly short on confidence, Drake recently told The Jewish Chronicle that he was “the first person to successfully rap and sing” (which, as Popjustice pointed out, cruelly ignores Alesha Dixon’s contribution to the world of music). However, on Crew Love, Drake hands melody duties to The Weeknd, and the two poster boys for solipsistic, minimalist, first-world-problem rap certainly don’t disappoint. He may not be the first to rap and sing, but Drake deserves some credit for taking music so uncommercial into the mainstream. It doesn’t have traditional choruses, it doesn’t rely on bells and whistles, and it’s defiantly simple. Crew Love, while lyrically a little on the generic side, is another great track from Drake, and maybe it’ll push The Weeknd to more sales-based success too. 7/10

A$AP Rocky – Goldie

A$AP Rocky and his crew won plenty of friends, admirers and column inches last year with their Southern-influenced hip-hop tales of purple drank on the LiveLoveA$AP mixtape, and now it’s time for the official releases. Like the mixtape, Goldie suffers from paucity of ideas in places, and it’s an almost stream-of-consciousness flow that’s simply one long verse with a repeating woodwind (piccolo?) riff that’s gratingly twee after a while. Rocky’s style is great, and he’s certain to be around for a long while yet, but it doesn’t get the juices flowing in anticipation of his debut album. Goldie shows promise, but it’s perhaps a step back from the man who brought us Peso et al. 6/10

Wiley feat. Ms D – Heatwave

Wiley recently claimed to The Guardian that he “could have been as big as Tinie Tempah” and “anyone from [the grime] scene can play the O2 if they make the right music.” Sour grapes, perhaps? While Wiley’s seen his contemporaries from the early days of grime, most notably Dizzee Rascal, storm to success in recent years, Wiley’s remained on the outside, with little more than the odd critical ovation to his name. Those who know Wiley might point to his profligacy, unpredictability and, ahem, use of relaxing substances as more pertinent reasons as to why he’s not bothering the traffic systems of North Greenwich. Strange then, that Heatwave is Wiley’s most blatant bid for commercial success than his last big chart hit, Wearing My Rolex. Wiley’s never dull and his flow and rhymes are engaging and propel the song along on a pulsing rhythm, but Ms. D’s contribution, a chart-friendly, facile ode to partying, drags the track down into a less exciting realm, and the overriding feeling in this track is one of unfulfilled promise. 5/10

Yolanda Be Cool feat. Crystal Waters – Le Bump

Yolanda Be Cool are the artists behind the irritatingly ubiquitous monster hit, We No Speak Americano, so please try and contain your excitement at their return. Here, they’ve teamed up with Crystal Waters, best known in the UK for her classic earworm Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee La Da Da). Like We No Speak Americano, there are annoying brass riffs and a bizarre fetishisation of big band music. That’s all that really separates it from a million other Europop smashes of the past two decades or so and, without a memorable hook to speak of, is likely to disappear from your mind the second it finishes. The same can’t be said of Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee La Da Da) though, which I’ll now probably be humming for the next fortnight. 2/10

Parade – Light Me Up

Girl group Parade scored a Top 10 hit last year with the frankly dismal Louder before seemingly disappearing without a trace. Usually, in these situations it signals the end of a career altogether (yes, you Girl Thing, and you Girls@Play, and whither Precious?) but against all odds, Parade are back. And to be perfectly honest, it's a good job they are, because Light Me Up is a huge-sounding record which doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but does pure pop in an unabashed, full-force way that a lot of groups could learn from. The Saturdays had better watch their backs because if Light Me Up gets any decent airplay and Parade have got a few more songs like this up their sleeve, they could well be going places fast. 8/10

M83 – OK Pal

M83 breaking into the UK Top 40 singles chart still feels a bit like a dream that didn’t happen and the more I hear of M83, I can’t believe they’re so critically acclaimed. This isn’t to say the work of Antony Gonzalez is bad, far from it, but M83’s style is so kitsch, is so in thrall to music that’s often not fondly remembered, and is so openly pop-focused that it’s the kind of thing that’s normally met with a sneer by earnest, beardy, Appalachian woodsman-loving hipper-than-thou folkie types. However, anyone not letting M83 into their life is missing out, because OK Pal is life-affirming, uplifting music that seeks the beauty in the world, amplifies it and then chucks a load of star-sprinkled synths all over the top of it. It’s a rich chocolate cake of a track, maybe a little rich over a whole album (and don’t forget M83’s last was a double) but utterly fantastic over four minutes. Stick it on repeat, lose any notion you may have of what tastemakers say you should be listening to, and if you’re wondering what’s putting pressure on your cheeks, that’ll be the massive grin spreading across your face. 9/10

Rumer – Sara Smile

The last time Rumer, aka Sarah Joyce, turned up on the Singles Bar, I questioned the point of her career (although I hope I was a bit nicer than that about it) but said she had a decent voice. Well, now she’s put her voice to good use with this cover of a Hall & Oates track. Her velvety, Karen Carpenter-esque croon works well with the jazz-flecked blue-eyed soul of the original and serves to remind you what a great song this is. The production is a little muddled – Muzak backing vocals and a little too much going on in the instrumental breakdown, perhaps – but Rumer steers this ship well all told. It doesn’t improve on the original in any way though, so again, it’s difficult to see the reasoning behind this. But then maybe that’s my problem and I should just concentrate on whether her records are any good or not that try and solve any existential questions through the medium of a mildly successful singer. 5/10

Chemical Brothers – Theme From Velodrome

So, Theme From Velodrome is the official song of the London 2012 Olympics. But hang on, isn’t that Muse abomination the official song too? And I’m sure I heard Dizzee Rascal was doing one? That’s not to mention that awful Mark Ronson and Katy B thing that turned up endorsed by a certain teeth-dissolving soft drinks company. Seems like the organisers want to have their cake (made by the official bakers of the London 2012 Games, natch) and eat it. Theme From Velodrome starts off with epic synths before a Kraftwerkian “VEL. O. DROME.” looms over the top and Orbital-style synth patterns pepper the building beats. The whole thing gives a real sense of intensity and cumulative endeavour, though it’s not surprise a track with such an obvious motorik motif and repetitive riffs should be associated with cycling. It’s a defiantly non-commercial choice from the always-interesting Chems (though a radio edit is available) though it remains to be seen whether Sir Chris Hoy and Vicky Pendleton whizz their way round The Pringle (that’s what they’re calling it) to this, but either way, it’s a brilliant song, ravey yet still cerebral. Dance’s love affair with cycling continues. 9/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Far East Movement feat. Cover Drive – Turn Up The Love

Obviously it’s wrong to be against people by name alone but consider this. Far East Movement are Kev Nish, Prohgress, J-Splif and DJ Virman. Cover Drive have a member named Bar-Man. Sometimes it’s difficult to do the right thing. Responsible for a handful of genuinely awful singles between them, the two quartets join forces which, on paper, looks tragic for anyone in the possession of functioning ears. Both groups attempt to stamp their particular styles on this track, so Cover Drive’s Caribbean-influenced pop meets Far East Movement’s boneheaded club rap. It’s a trick that’s been done relatively seamlessly before, but these two make it look like a combination that’s about as well-suited as cod and custard. A pretty sorry exercise with *counts on fingers* precisely no redeeming features. 0/10

Calvin Harris feat. Example – We’ll Be Coming Back

The two artists who rival Rihanna for sheer output come together presumably in a concerted attempt to save effort and only do half a track each. Their musical styles are so similar that it seems strange they decided to work together at all. They’ve clearly suffering from dance music fatigue (I know the feeling) because this is barely a track at all. It’s more like a mechanically recovered Calvin Harris or Example song, with tired keyboards, a lazy tempo and an uninspired vocal. Boring, boring, boring, this has got contractual obligation written all over it (the song, not this column, how dare you even suggest that). 1/10

The Singles Bar: 09/04/12

There’s a running theme in The Singles Bar that when I pick a track to be Single Of The Week, that song invariably goes on to be one of the worst-selling singles by that artist. Even big-hitters like Beyoncé and Madonna aren’t immune to this curse. However, the baton was passed on to Andrew Baer last week for his first appearance in this column and what happens to his Single Of The Week by Carly Rae Jepsen? Of course, it goes straight in at the top of the charts.

So, let’s see who I can curse this time round in this Easter edition of The Singles Bar. I apologise in advance to the winner.

Lana Del Rey – Blue Jeans

Oh no, I’m really confused. I haven’t had a memo for a few weeks – are we allowed to like Lana Del Rey now? As you know, us writers in the music biz get together in a dark room every few weeks and decide who we’re going to hype, and who we’re going to trash. I must have lost my invite to the last meeting – now I’ll have to judge her on the quality of her music alone; OH NOES! The submissive starlet routine is a little wearing over an entire album, but LDR still puts out great singles, and Blue Jeans ticks those boxes. It’s got a little more weight and pep to her previous releases and there’s a great vintage, scuzzy feel to the instrumentation. Whoever this guy is that Del Rey is so devoted to, he must be an incredible catch. Blue Jeans is vocally great, a bit gothic and pretty catchy too. Of course, if I’ve been misinformed on what my opinion should be, I reserve the right to take all the above back. 7/10

Usher – Climax

Now, here’s an interesting one. Usher’s decided to come out of his comfort zone and work with Diplo for this track, so do we give props to Usher for that decision, or question what the hell Diplo’s doing teaming up with the crown prince of 21st Century bedroom-eyed soul? Instantly, this is about 1,000% better than anything Usher’s done in seven years or so – there’s a real emotional distance to the music which works brilliantly against the vocal. It builds and envelops wonderfully, but never quite spills over into a euphoric, er, climax, like you’d expect it to. The production shows that slow jams can still be inventive and affecting; Usher’s “I’m-a-bit-sad-I-am” vocals are a little on the strained side, but it’s a fantastic song nonetheless. 8/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Santigold – Disparate Youth

Santigold’s one of those artists you want to be great, but never seems to quite deliver. Initial signs aren’t promising here, as the opening arpeggios recall Kate Nash’s ghastly single, Mouthwash. However, once the vocals come in, there are buzzsaw guitars, atmospheric strings and off-beat, reggae piano loops, dispelling any such fears. Santigold is never anything less than intriguing, but Disparate Youth shows that she could still do with adding a few hooks to her songs before stepping into the recording studio. There are expert touches all over this piece, but there’s no chorus and, as such, it seems to meander along without reaching a satisfactory conclusion. Whereas the Usher track above builds and wrong-foots you with its lack of chorus, here, it just seems like a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing a vital piece. 6/10

Bombay Bicycle Club – How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep

I’m not sure whether it’s simply down to a lack of decent competition, but Bombay Bicycle Club seem to have carved a niche for themselves as one of the UK’s most consistent and inventive guitar groups. How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep starts with around a minute of delicate guitar and swirling vocals, before drums which are almost hip-hop in style enter the fray to get things really going. As the track develops, it becomes clear that it falls between two stalls – not heartfelt and melancholy enough to be truly affecting, and not energetic enough to set the pulse racing. Therefore, it isn’t a classic, but it’s still a decent effort. If you’re waiting for new BBC material, this will probably tide you over nicely. The kind of thing that will keep existing fans happy, but is unlikely to win them too many new ones. 6/10

Monica & Brandy – It All Belongs To Me

When this duo released their mega-hit, The Boy Is Mine, in 1998, they were billed as Brandy & Monica. It’d be fascinating to know what legal wrangling and internal battles have been fought to change this billing around (there’s a good chance that you and I have different views on the meaning of the word, ‘fascinating’). Anyway, onto the track in question, and it’s all a bit of a mess. The heaviness of the beats doesn’t match the thinness of the production in any way. There’s a good deal of sass on display, as a man who’s wronged our heroines (What? Both of them?) gets told to return the goods that aren’t his. It’s in a similar vein to Beyoncé’s Irreplaceable or Destiny’s Child’s Independent Women (Part One), except nowhere near as good as either. Also, hearing an impassioned warble enunciate, “Log off your Facebook – it all belongs to me”, is genuinely funny, though not for the right reasons. Perhaps it was all an evil ploy by Brandy, so The Boy Is Mine gets more attributed to her, and the blame for this track lies more with Monica. Cunning. 2/10

Joker – Lost

Whenever I’ve heard this track on the radio, the DJ has always felt it necessary to mention that Joker is from Bristol, as if it were some dim and distant place where talent could never come from, rather than a city of nearly half a million people only 120 miles from London. There’s some pretty decent dance-style production work on Lost, and there’s a bit of an early 21st Century R&B/two-step feel to it as well, but both the MC in the verses and the children’s vocals in the chorus are irritating. It feels as if Joker is trying a little too hard to make something relevant to today that could push him into the mainstream, when he may be better off sticking to beats. Lost shows promise, but there’s a fair way for Joker to go just yet. 4/10

Cornershop – Milkin’ It

Whether they’ve been successful or not, in fashion or persona non grata, Cornershop have just carried on regardless, and there’s something kind of admirable about that. Milkin’ It has a real whiff of cartoonish, old-skool hip-hop about it (the lyrics even contain the line, “Let’s take it back to ‘88”). In fact, it seems to be a tribute to that golden age, but it’s not really fit to hold a candle to it. There’s just a list of references, a wandering bassline, the odd effect and some laid-back beats. It feels like a first attempt at a collage piece, and contains none of the invention and quality songwriting that Cornershop are renowned for. In fact, having just listened to this, I’m still surprised to learn it is really Cornershop and I’d probably believe anyone who told me it was someone else. 3/10

Drake feat. Lil Wayne – The Motto

I bought the latest Drake album, Take Care. I went into a shop, handed over money and received a CD in exchange. Now I learn that The Motto is a “digital bonus track”, meaning I’d have received this single if I’d have just sat on my sofa and purchased the album as a series of zeroes and ones. How is that fair? I’d ask Drake myself, but he’s probably too busy having emotionally unfulfilling sex with a procession of jaw-droppingly beautiful women, the poor guy. The Motto is a stripped-back, sparse track, with hand-clap percussion and warm, bouncy bass underpinning the MCing. While the lack of other instrumentation can draw attention to Drake and Lil Wayne’s grating drawls, it does add a real atmospheric edge to the composition. The Motto is a lean song, and all the better for it. It’d be nice if it had been on the album I legitimately purchased though. THANKS, GUYS! 7/10

Quickbeam – Seven Hundred Birds

The debut single from Glaswegian trio, Quickbeam, is a careful, considered and gorgeous piece of work. It’s difficult to place what producer Chris Gordon has added to the sound, but somehow there’s a real organic, live ambience to the song, as if all the instruments were recorded simultaneously. The vocals are delicate and come replete with an appealing Scottish burr. Quickbeam have been compared to Low and Sigur Rós and, on the evidence of Seven Hundred Birds, it’s a valid comparison. A slow, ponderous track, laden with beautiful strings; the only complaint is that it doesn’t come with the climactic, noisy release that some of the best post-rock epics do. At under four minutes, it’s actually a little too short, and it cuts away when it just feels like it’s getting going. As a mood-setting, melancholic work though, it’s absolutely wondrous. 8/10

Rizzle Kicks – Traveller’s Chant

When Rizzle Kicks released their last single, Mama Do The Hump, I posited they may have run out of goodwill and would soon be on the way out. I was then roundly laughed at by a Singles Bar reader (and rightly so) when the track went on to be a huge success. Despite that, I’m going to make the same assertion with Traveller’s Chant. Whereas Rizzle Kicks’ previous singles have had an admirable amount of excitement and zip about them, Traveller’s Chant is a contemplative song, unsurprisingly about the concept of travelling. In truth, it’s laid-back to the point of being sleep-inducing and although it’s got a head-nodding groove to it, it’s ultimately a pretty forgettable song. It’s three and a half minutes which has got ‘album track’ written all over it and as the fourth single from their debut LP, it could be a pretty futile attempt to wring out those final few sales. What do I know though? Given my track record, it’ll probably sell a bajillion copies and make Rizzle Kicks bigger than Adele. 4/10