The Singles Bar: 30/07/12

At Singles Bar HQ, fewer than forty miles from the Olympic Park, we’ve been celebrating the finest athletes in the world pushing their bodies to the limit of human endeavour in the only way we know how – sitting in front of the television all weekend and roaring advice to these finely honed specimens while we hoover up junk food. Of course, the real story for music fans was the fantastic medley in the opening ceremony (we also loved the NHS tribute, artistic, Socialist, lentil-munching, yoghurt-knitting leftie liberals that we are) which ran from The Beatles to Tinie Tempah via Bowie, Blur and more. All of which makes this week’s selection that much more of an ordeal…

Drake feat. The Weeknd – Crew Love

Never knowingly short on confidence, Drake recently told The Jewish Chronicle that he was “the first person to successfully rap and sing” (which, as Popjustice pointed out, cruelly ignores Alesha Dixon’s contribution to the world of music). However, on Crew Love, Drake hands melody duties to The Weeknd, and the two poster boys for solipsistic, minimalist, first-world-problem rap certainly don’t disappoint. He may not be the first to rap and sing, but Drake deserves some credit for taking music so uncommercial into the mainstream. It doesn’t have traditional choruses, it doesn’t rely on bells and whistles, and it’s defiantly simple. Crew Love, while lyrically a little on the generic side, is another great track from Drake, and maybe it’ll push The Weeknd to more sales-based success too. 7/10

A$AP Rocky – Goldie

A$AP Rocky and his crew won plenty of friends, admirers and column inches last year with their Southern-influenced hip-hop tales of purple drank on the LiveLoveA$AP mixtape, and now it’s time for the official releases. Like the mixtape, Goldie suffers from paucity of ideas in places, and it’s an almost stream-of-consciousness flow that’s simply one long verse with a repeating woodwind (piccolo?) riff that’s gratingly twee after a while. Rocky’s style is great, and he’s certain to be around for a long while yet, but it doesn’t get the juices flowing in anticipation of his debut album. Goldie shows promise, but it’s perhaps a step back from the man who brought us Peso et al. 6/10

Wiley feat. Ms D – Heatwave

Wiley recently claimed to The Guardian that he “could have been as big as Tinie Tempah” and “anyone from [the grime] scene can play the O2 if they make the right music.” Sour grapes, perhaps? While Wiley’s seen his contemporaries from the early days of grime, most notably Dizzee Rascal, storm to success in recent years, Wiley’s remained on the outside, with little more than the odd critical ovation to his name. Those who know Wiley might point to his profligacy, unpredictability and, ahem, use of relaxing substances as more pertinent reasons as to why he’s not bothering the traffic systems of North Greenwich. Strange then, that Heatwave is Wiley’s most blatant bid for commercial success than his last big chart hit, Wearing My Rolex. Wiley’s never dull and his flow and rhymes are engaging and propel the song along on a pulsing rhythm, but Ms. D’s contribution, a chart-friendly, facile ode to partying, drags the track down into a less exciting realm, and the overriding feeling in this track is one of unfulfilled promise. 5/10

Yolanda Be Cool feat. Crystal Waters – Le Bump

Yolanda Be Cool are the artists behind the irritatingly ubiquitous monster hit, We No Speak Americano, so please try and contain your excitement at their return. Here, they’ve teamed up with Crystal Waters, best known in the UK for her classic earworm Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee La Da Da). Like We No Speak Americano, there are annoying brass riffs and a bizarre fetishisation of big band music. That’s all that really separates it from a million other Europop smashes of the past two decades or so and, without a memorable hook to speak of, is likely to disappear from your mind the second it finishes. The same can’t be said of Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee La Da Da) though, which I’ll now probably be humming for the next fortnight. 2/10

Parade – Light Me Up

Girl group Parade scored a Top 10 hit last year with the frankly dismal Louder before seemingly disappearing without a trace. Usually, in these situations it signals the end of a career altogether (yes, you Girl Thing, and you Girls@Play, and whither Precious?) but against all odds, Parade are back. And to be perfectly honest, it's a good job they are, because Light Me Up is a huge-sounding record which doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but does pure pop in an unabashed, full-force way that a lot of groups could learn from. The Saturdays had better watch their backs because if Light Me Up gets any decent airplay and Parade have got a few more songs like this up their sleeve, they could well be going places fast. 8/10

M83 – OK Pal

M83 breaking into the UK Top 40 singles chart still feels a bit like a dream that didn’t happen and the more I hear of M83, I can’t believe they’re so critically acclaimed. This isn’t to say the work of Antony Gonzalez is bad, far from it, but M83’s style is so kitsch, is so in thrall to music that’s often not fondly remembered, and is so openly pop-focused that it’s the kind of thing that’s normally met with a sneer by earnest, beardy, Appalachian woodsman-loving hipper-than-thou folkie types. However, anyone not letting M83 into their life is missing out, because OK Pal is life-affirming, uplifting music that seeks the beauty in the world, amplifies it and then chucks a load of star-sprinkled synths all over the top of it. It’s a rich chocolate cake of a track, maybe a little rich over a whole album (and don’t forget M83’s last was a double) but utterly fantastic over four minutes. Stick it on repeat, lose any notion you may have of what tastemakers say you should be listening to, and if you’re wondering what’s putting pressure on your cheeks, that’ll be the massive grin spreading across your face. 9/10

Rumer – Sara Smile

The last time Rumer, aka Sarah Joyce, turned up on the Singles Bar, I questioned the point of her career (although I hope I was a bit nicer than that about it) but said she had a decent voice. Well, now she’s put her voice to good use with this cover of a Hall & Oates track. Her velvety, Karen Carpenter-esque croon works well with the jazz-flecked blue-eyed soul of the original and serves to remind you what a great song this is. The production is a little muddled – Muzak backing vocals and a little too much going on in the instrumental breakdown, perhaps – but Rumer steers this ship well all told. It doesn’t improve on the original in any way though, so again, it’s difficult to see the reasoning behind this. But then maybe that’s my problem and I should just concentrate on whether her records are any good or not that try and solve any existential questions through the medium of a mildly successful singer. 5/10

Chemical Brothers – Theme From Velodrome

So, Theme From Velodrome is the official song of the London 2012 Olympics. But hang on, isn’t that Muse abomination the official song too? And I’m sure I heard Dizzee Rascal was doing one? That’s not to mention that awful Mark Ronson and Katy B thing that turned up endorsed by a certain teeth-dissolving soft drinks company. Seems like the organisers want to have their cake (made by the official bakers of the London 2012 Games, natch) and eat it. Theme From Velodrome starts off with epic synths before a Kraftwerkian “VEL. O. DROME.” looms over the top and Orbital-style synth patterns pepper the building beats. The whole thing gives a real sense of intensity and cumulative endeavour, though it’s not surprise a track with such an obvious motorik motif and repetitive riffs should be associated with cycling. It’s a defiantly non-commercial choice from the always-interesting Chems (though a radio edit is available) though it remains to be seen whether Sir Chris Hoy and Vicky Pendleton whizz their way round The Pringle (that’s what they’re calling it) to this, but either way, it’s a brilliant song, ravey yet still cerebral. Dance’s love affair with cycling continues. 9/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Far East Movement feat. Cover Drive – Turn Up The Love

Obviously it’s wrong to be against people by name alone but consider this. Far East Movement are Kev Nish, Prohgress, J-Splif and DJ Virman. Cover Drive have a member named Bar-Man. Sometimes it’s difficult to do the right thing. Responsible for a handful of genuinely awful singles between them, the two quartets join forces which, on paper, looks tragic for anyone in the possession of functioning ears. Both groups attempt to stamp their particular styles on this track, so Cover Drive’s Caribbean-influenced pop meets Far East Movement’s boneheaded club rap. It’s a trick that’s been done relatively seamlessly before, but these two make it look like a combination that’s about as well-suited as cod and custard. A pretty sorry exercise with *counts on fingers* precisely no redeeming features. 0/10

Calvin Harris feat. Example – We’ll Be Coming Back

The two artists who rival Rihanna for sheer output come together presumably in a concerted attempt to save effort and only do half a track each. Their musical styles are so similar that it seems strange they decided to work together at all. They’ve clearly suffering from dance music fatigue (I know the feeling) because this is barely a track at all. It’s more like a mechanically recovered Calvin Harris or Example song, with tired keyboards, a lazy tempo and an uninspired vocal. Boring, boring, boring, this has got contractual obligation written all over it (the song, not this column, how dare you even suggest that). 1/10

The Singles Bar - 06/02/12

As the Singles Bar makes its way into February, it’s interesting to note the juxtaposition between old and new in this week’s selection. Madonna, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney all crop up below, but we also have new kids on the block, Friends, and 23-year-old rapper, Big Sean. Does this prove anything in particular? Maybe not, but we’ll see if the old guard can still do it faced with the latest crop of young pretenders.

Childish Gambino – All The Shine

I can’t help but think Childish Gambino is a kind of endearing nickname a parent would give to their mischievous offspring. Anyway, All The Shine starts with simple beats, a repeated “yeah”, and a guitar solo that sounds like it’s being played in another room. Then the rap comes in, and it’s cuss-laden, aggressive and the kind of thing record companies normally prevent artists from releasing as singles. The verses have an imperious feel like Kanye West’s Jesus Walks, but the chorus removes the anger and tension by being a bit too straightforward. There’s a wince-inducing reference to Mumford & Sons at one point too – ouch. Overall, All The Shine comes across as a little melodramatic and, while a decent track, Childish Gambino doesn’t quite have the acumen to hold it all together. 6/10

J Mascis – Circle

Despite J Mascis having been around for years, double-tracked, reedy vocals over an acoustic backing now immediately make you think of Bon Iver. Whether you like Circle or not will largely depend on your opinion of Mascis’ voice. This track is simply guitar, vocals and a thin synth line, so a lot of your attention will be drawn to Mascis’ cracked, self-pitying drawl. Circle suggests J Mascis hasn’t moved on too much from Dinosaur Jr.’s heyday, as this could have conceivably been released in the early 90s and rivalled The Lemonheads’ Into Your Arms. It’s a simple, unadorned song which isn’t going to set the world alight but, as a way to pass three minutes or so, it’s really rather lovely. 7/10

Friends – Friend Crush

Since discovering Friends via an article I wrote on critics’ tips for 2012, I’ve been playing last single, I’m His Girl, an awful lot. They’re a band I’m really excited about and capable of great things, which is why it’s hard not to feel a little let down by Friend Crush. It’s still a great track, but there’s little of the zip and invention on display that sets them apart on their other work. The vocals seem a little disinterested and the synth line is very MGMT. The core ingredients of Friends are still there; it’s a lean production with no superfluous embellishments and there’s a slight funk swagger to it, but it’s just a little lacklustre. It’s all relative though, and Friend Crush is still a darn sight better than most tracks you’ll hear. 7/10

Madonna feat. Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. – Give Me All Your Luvin’

Madonna’s indefatigable longevity means she’s now getting begrudging applause from even the hardiest of cockroaches (or at least, she would be if they had the requisite motor skills… and the inclination… and an understanding of human customs… ok, that’s a terrible analogy). Anyway, she’s somehow got a knack of coming up with absolutely belting lead singles and Give Me All Your Luvin’ is no exception. This is despite the fact there are numerous flaws with the song. The production isn’t beefy enough, Nicki Minaj’s rap is too self-serving, the slower section rids the song of all the momentum it had built up, M.I.A.’s contribution is largely forgettable – yet somehow we’re left with something ridiculously catchy and utterly addictive. Madonna’s not setting a ground-breaking agenda with this song, but neither is she following the crowd with a slice of Euro-trance pop. She remains a force to be reckoned with and – as the Superbowl show proved – Give Me All Your Luvin’ is fit to go toe-to-toe with her finest moments. I’m not always a fan, but on this occasion I L-U-V Madonna. 8/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Kelly Rowland feat. Big Sean – Lay It On Me

While Madonna may not be following the crowd, one solo artist who certainly does cling desperately to the shifting zeitgeist is Kelly Rowland. Lay It On Me is a tired slab of dance-pop which could be by just about anyone. As with Down For Whatever, Rowland demonstrates that she simply can’t play the smouldering siren, as she displays about as much personality and erotic appeal as a wicker basket. The plot – should you care – is that Kelly Rowland is in the mood for some form of loving, and Big Sean is (as well as being a terrible rapper) a ladies’ man of some repute, who has just the skills to ensure Ms. Rowland won’t be disappointed. It’s as convincing as James Murdoch’s protestations of innocence in the Leveson Inquiry though, and just as disheartening. 1/10

Paul McCartney – My Valentine

Let’s get this out of the way right now. Paul McCartney’s new album is called Kisses On The Bottom. Yes, I know. We can now move onto this track. McCartney’s in a no-win situation, really. His canon of work is unsurpassable, plus he’s been without his songwriting partner-in-crime (and, crucially, the man who would curb his more sentimental instincts) for over three decades now. My Valentine is a pretty ballad which contains several chord changes which are unmistakeably McCartney, plus a tasteful Spanish guitar solo. However, it’s also far too syrupy and cloying – both lyrically and musically – and, as such, is an unessential track. It’d be too easy to go down the “Why does McCartney still bother?” route – especially when if anyone has earned the right to do what he chuffing well likes, it’s Sir Wacky Macca Thumbs-a-Loft – but you can’t help but feel the world wouldn’t have been particularly different if this track hadn’t been made. 4/10

M83 – Reunion

Only someone with a heart of stone wouldn’t be delighted that M83’s Midnight City is currently enjoying its fifth week in the UK singles chart. Like that track, Reunion owes a heavy debt to slick, over-produced pop of the 1980s. M83 may be an incredibly popular group with the tastemaking blogosphere, but that doesn’t mean they don’t sound like Duran Duran. In fact, if they weren’t several albums into their career, this could all come across as some exceptionally trendy, arch in-joke. However, the reason those pop hits this track recalls have endured is because of the quality of the songwriting, and Reunion luckily taps into that tradition too. There are warm layers of synth, a singalong chorus, and a commanding bassline to propel the track forwards. Joyful, uplifting stuff, and you shouldn’t care less that it doesn’t contain even the slightest hint of originality. 8/10

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)

Oh good, the usual Kelly Clarkson, throw-everything-in, you’ve-wronged-me-but-I’ll-get-over-it, I-Will-Survive-lite, Pro-Tooled-to-death, self-obsessed, about-as-inspiring-as-Athlete’s-Foot nonsense that Christina Aguilera used to release about a decade ago. I listened to this all the way through. It didn’t kill me, yet I feel significantly weaker, in mind, body and spirit. Thus, as well as being relentlessly terrible, it’s also factually inaccurate. 0/10

will.i.am feat. Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez – T.H.E (The Hardest Ever)

Having endured Kelly Clarkson, this wasn’t exactly what I was looking for to provide some kind of respite. As anyone with even one functioning ear knows, will.i.am is a musical abomination who should be the subject of a restraining order from every recording studio in the world. To start with, the vocal is auto-tuned so heavily it’s genuinely uncomfortable to listen to. As far as the music goes, it sounds exactly as you’d expect a will.i.am song to sound in 2012, i.e., like Black Eyed Peas with a smidgen of David Guetta thrown in while will.i.am raps some old toss about how great the track is. Two-thirds of the way through, it morphs into a marginally different, faster track, then Mick Jagger makes his entrance and claims he’s “hard like geometry and trigonometry”. God knows what he’s doing on this track; it’s enough to make you want to throw all your Rolling Stones records out of the window. The fact thousands and thousands of years of human achievement and progress have led to this moment makes me want to take a vow of silence and live in a kibbutz and OH I GET IT NOW HIS STAGE NAME IS A PUN ON HIS REAL NAME OF WILLIAM THAT’S HILARIOUS LOLOLOLOLOLOL !!1!!12!!1! *throws self off Mount Everest*. 0/10

Atom Eye – Trilogy 120 Part 1

After that will.i.am track, I am incredibly grateful for Atom Eye. Trilogy 120 Part 1 is the first of a – you’ve guessed it – three-part project, where each section will be released as a separate EP. From the off, this is dark and atmospheric. The beats lurch cumbersomely from bar to bar, like the walk of an elephant, and a repeated piano motif ratchets up the tension. There’s a filmic quality to Trilogy 120 Part 1, and it builds superbly into something quite unsettling. We rarely tackle the ambient stuff here at The Singles Bar but this is a thing of wonder. As the track progresses, African rhythms enter the mix, and there are expertly-employed hints of granular synthesis sprinkled in too. If this were to be used in cinema, it would soundtrack the build-up to the kind of awful event it’s impossible to tear your eyes away from. Then, it fades away, leaving just a low-level drone and a feeling of exhaustion. This isn’t the kind of track you’d want to listen to on a regular basis but as a stand-alone mood piece, it’s hard to fault. 8/10