Sticks + Stones

Cher Lloyd - Sticks + Stones
released 7 November 2011 on Syco

In a recent interview, boy-band JLS revealed how devastated they were that, after finishing runners-up on 2008’s X Factor behind Alexandra Burke, Simon Cowell passed up the opportunity to sign them, despite the fact they practically begged him to. “As soon as the show finished, we asked him to give us a deal,” said the sensitive one; “he just point-blank refused,” cooed the non-threatening one, non-threateningly. “But,” pouted the pretty one, while simultaneously doing a backflip and lifting his t-shirt to show a sculpted six-pack, “it turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to us!” “…”, added the one who no-one outside of his immediate family realises exists.

Despite the fact all the quotes in the previous paragraph were entirely fabricated, the story JLS were alluding to very much did happen, and they could well have a point. Simon Cowell may make an obscene amount of money through his myriad entertainment enterprises, but the acts signed to his label, Syco, do tend to be of a certain type. The current buzz around Tinie Tempah acolyte, Labrinth, notwithstanding, most of his acts are bedroom balladeers, and very lucrative they prove for him too. Not all his protégés are overjoyed at this approach – witness the laughable struggle of Matt Cardle and his attempts to realign himself as a credible musician – and JLS have serendipitously avoided the same fate. They’re now free to work with Calvin Harris and Dev, and make chart-friendly dance-pop instead of being forced to become BoyzII Men II.

Which leaves us with the interesting conundrum: what do you do with a problem like Cher Lloyd? The teenage singer, fourth on last year’s X Factor behind implausibly fresh-faced One Direction, Rebecca Ferguson and “Credibility” Cardle, polarised opinion with her brash style and fondness for rapping. All four finalists are currently signed with Syco and of the quartet, it’s Cher who seems to be the least obvious fit. Push her towards lighters-aloft, supermarket-friendly balladry and you risk losing what made her different in the first place. Let her do her thing, and you’re letting an 18-year-old dictate her own career path while going against strongly entrenched Syco policy.

Lloyd’s debut album, Sticks + Stones, starts better than you’d ever dared imagine. Despite her misguided assumption that she’s “got a flow that will make your mother and your father call the cops,” opening track,Grow Up, is an incredibly fun slice of bratty, bubblegum dancehall. Her rap style is raw at best, and the cameo from Busta Rhymes is odd, but there’s plenty of room in the ongoing soap opera of pop for a pantomime, carefree, outspoken, anti-authority teen. She’s following the fine tradition set by artists such as Althea & Donna, Vanilla and Daphne & Celeste. This trend continues with following track, Want U Back, which is packed with hooks and has Cher’s personality stamped all over it.

Current single, With Ur Love, is another good, catchy song, save for a hateful Mike Posner guest spot, which paints him to be the kind of lecherous predator you pray doesn’t take your daughter to prom. However, the turning point of Sticks + Stones arrives with Swagger Jagger; comfortably the most bizarre song to reach the top of the UK charts in 2011. Swagger Jagger is a mess – a brain-melting mix of sirens,dubstep beats, shouty vocals, and the chorus to 19th Century folk ballad, Oh My Darling, Clementine. Lloyd is full of bravado and self-confidence, informing us that we can’t stop “tweetin’ ‘bout” and “YouTubin’” her, but then telling her “haters” (which are apparently legion) that it was “very, very, very nice to meet ya.”

Swagger Jagger will make your mind unravel and, fittingly, the album then begins to do the same. Beautiful People is the kind of syrupy, pointless ballad Syco-affiliated acts specialise in, and completely the wrong kind of song for Cher Lloyd now she’s not preoccupied with trying to win votes from suburban housewives on primetime television. Over The Moon repeats the same “trick” as Swagger Jagger, grafting an in-your-face verse to an ill-fitting, camp chorus to create a genetically-modified monster. And quite frankly, the less said about the 21st Century re-working of Buffalo Stance, here entitled Playa Boi, the better.

After a promising opening trio of tracks, Sticks + Stones wanes badly, and begins to sound more and more like it’s been focus-grouped by industry executives in pursuit of a quick buck until there’s barely any semblance of character left. It’s understandable really, Cher Lloyd is living the dream of millions of girls worldwide and isn’t likely to upset the applecart.

The sad fact is, Cher Lloyd may need a change of direction to achieve any kind of longevity. She’s positioned at the end of the market where her fans will soon grow up and move on and – depressing as this is – she could be on the pop scrapheap before she’s out of her teens. There is a glimmer of hope though; the penultimate song, Dub On The Track, shows the kind of sound she might be wise to pursue. It may sound like a cut-off from the Katy B album, and Cher may sound slightly overwhelmed by the production, but street-smart, urban-flavoured pop could be the way forward for her. Featuring Mic Righteous, Ghetts and Dot Rotten, Dub On The Track doesn’t forge a brave new way ahead for music, but it’s a sliver of hope from an otherwise dispiriting final two-thirds of the album.

It appears Cher Lloyd is signed to a label who have limited ideas of what best to do with her. Counter-intuitive as it may sound, Sticks + Stones bombing and Lloyd being dropped could be a blessing in disguise. Besides, she wouldn’t be the first X Factor alumnus to find success outside of the all-encompassing Cowell media empire.

The Singles Bar - 07/11/11

“Is there room for one more at the singles bar?” crooned Tracey Thorn on her 2010 track of the same name. She may well have been talking about this week’s reviews as we have – count ‘em – 14 of the little blighters for your perusal this week. Therefore, don’t waste your time reading this blurb, get on to the meat of the article below!

The Wombats – 1996

The European Football Championships, A Design for Life by Manic Street Preachers and Harry Enfield And Chums on VHS – it’s a well-known fact that 1996 was the best year in human existence. So, kudos to The Wombats for writing a song about it, though the fact it was 15 years ago makes me feel depressingly ancient. Head Wombat Matthew Murphy was born in 1984, and 1996 is a paean to how things were better and simpler in those times. Sadly, it’s fairly musically uninspired and the lyrics are exceptionally clunky at times (“We were cloning sheep in the 90s”). The track features the distorted guitars and synths that now seem to be The Wombats calling card and the whole thing is ultimately forgettable. Murphy also sings he“can’t forget those teenage kicks,” which, given his year of birth, suggests maths may not be his strong point. 4/10

Cage The Elephant – Aberdeen

There’s a challenge to answer here – is this track about the Scottish coastal city, or the constantly disappointing steak restaurant franchise? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I care, as Aberdeen (the song) is the kind of by-numbers alternative rock that you want to ignore. Furthermore, vocalist Matt Shultz has a VERY irritating, whiny voice which means you imagine all the lyrics to be about something he wants but can’t have, so he’ll probably be stomping up to his room to listen to LOUD GUITAR MUSIC because no-one understand him. Or something like that. Anyway, it’s depressingly derivative and a dangerous lesson in what happens when people who shouldn’t make music listen to Nirvana records. 2/10

Dennis Hopper Choppers – Girl Walked Out Of Town

There’s something of the spaghetti Western about Girl Walked Out Of Town, which is surprising when you consider Dennis Hopper Choppers (presumably the name Kathy Bates Roller Skates was taken) hail from the South Coast of England. There’s a real American desert feel to the sound, which is at odds with the rich, smooth vocals, yet the contrast seems to work perfectly despite itself. The organ melodies recall The Doors at their debut-album peak, and there’s an element of sleaze and punk just beneath the surface. Idiosyncratic, interesting music that deserves a wider audience. 8/10

Maverick Sabre – I Need

Maverick Sabre was born in Hackney, where presumably there was a consonant shortage in the early 90s. This is the only possible explanation for his frankly bizarre singing style where every vowel is stretched over several syllables, and the clarity and diction would make an elocution tutor book a one-way flight toDignitas. I Need is actually a fairly dull song with an element of the overly tasteful sound that was the result of over-exposure to the Bristol trip-hop scene. However, that voice completely over-powers the track and any hope of rescuing it; it’s actually quite unpleasant to listen to. There’s a smattering of soul starting to creep back into the charts, which can only be a good thing, but you’d be best advised to stay away from Maverick Sabre. 1/10

The Kooks – Junk Of The Heart

While several years ago the sheer ubiquity of The Kooks made them irritating beyond belief, their contrasting fall from grace now makes you almost pity them. Junk Of The Heart is the kind of soaring, sunshine pop that’s unlikely to make them reconnect with a younger audience, but could perhaps win them a whole, new one. Of course, the vocals are grating and vowel-heavy (what is it with these London singers – weak jaws maybe?), and The Kooks seem to have misplaced the melodic alchemy that made tracks like Naïve and She Moves In Her Own Way such earworms. Not long ago, they seemed like they could have been the biggest band in Britain, now you’d struggle to tell this apart from a bunch of identikit songs by The Wombats, The Hoosiers et al. 4/10

Sunday Girl – Love U More

I wish solo artists wouldn’t have names that make them sound like they’re actually bands – it could confuse a stupid person. Anyway, Jade Williams – AKA Sunday Girl – must be well thought of, she’s worked with Diplo and has deals with both Geffen and Polydor. On the evidence of Love U More, it’s difficult to see why, as it’s the kind of dance track you’ve heard a hundred times before. The Balearic boom may have been a decade ago now, but Love U More aims to rekindle the relationship between slow, faceless vocals and anthemic, keyboard-heavy production. However, I don’t really recall anyone asking for that to come back, so let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, shall we? 2/10

Loick Essien – Me Without You

I’m quite upset to learn that Loick Essien doesn’t appear to be related to Chelsea footballer, Michael. He is, however, an R&B singer who’s worked with Bashy, N-Dubz and Chipmunk, which is the musical equivalent of having a CV that says you’ve worked with Sarah Palin, Kim Jong-Il and Anthea Turner. There’s no edge at all to this syrupy track, which would appear to be targeted towards young ladies (no doubt spelt, “laydeez”) as a romantic ballad. It actually sounds like the thing Simon Cowell might consider giving one of his X Factor protégés to record as a Christmas single and it makes the collected works of Luther Vandross look like the Aphex Twin. Seven songs down and only one that’s any good? I’m losing the will to live here.1/10

Tinchy Stryder – Off The Record

This has been remarked upon before, but Tinchy Stryder – along with Dizzee Rascal – heralds a generation of British grime MCs with names that sound like scruffy, lovable urchins from Victorian novels. Anyway, as our roguish hero strides tinchily through life, he’s sadly lost inspiration, as Off The Record lacks any of the zip and energy that made previous tracks hits. He appears to also just be rapping whatever comes into his head first, which is never good. The backing is the work of producer of the moment, Calvis Harris, but curiously, this sounds like people making a bad version of what a Calvin Harris and Tinchy Stryder record should sound like. Lawks, cor blimey, guv’nor etc. Not either gentleman’s finest work. 4/10

Chris Brown – She Ain’t You

The people who scheduled this week’s single releases clearly weren’t aware that I’m a man of finite patience. So, down to work then. She Ain’t You is the new single by violent misogynist Chris Brown and borrows heavily from Michael Jackson’s Human Nature and SWV’s Right Here. It’s also immeasurably worse than both those tracks. It sounds wan and weak, and Brown’s vocals have been auto-tuned a little too harshly. I’ve just found a review for this track’s video on the website of radio station 92.3Now FM, that suggests, “She Ain’t You is definitely a song for the ladies… maybe even for pop star Rihanna,” which is probably one of the most dispiriting and insensitive things I’ve ever read. So, before I go into a rant about celebrity “news” “journalists”, I’ll just list the redeeming features of this track instead: …oh. 0/10

JLS – Take A Chance On Me

They may be a boyband and X Factor alumni, but I’ll go out on a limb and say JLS have had a handful of cracking singles (Beat Again, Eyes Wide Shut). However, this isn’t one of their better efforts. It’s a piano-led ballad; a bit of a downer really, as it’s the kind of style they’ve tended to avoid in the past. However, it’s harmless enough and – given the standard of what’s gone before it in this review – pretty listenable. It’s a little on the slick side and unlikely to progress their career too much further but there are worse crimes in this world, like for example, celebrity journalists who [That’s enough; let it GO! – Ed.]. 5/10

Manic Street Preachers – This Is The Day

Ah, we can always rely on The Manics, can’t we? Er, can’t we?! The initial signs aren’t good, with drum machine and over-elaborate piano fills, but soon the guitars come in and it’s unmistakeable MSP. However, the Manics haven’t really been at the peak of their powers, single-wise, for a while now, and This Is The Day sounds like they’re trying a bit too hard. In fact, it’s a little wet and lacking in substance. This track is the last song on their new, chronologically-ordered singles collection, and if you compare it to Slash N’ Burn, Little Baby Nothing and Faster amongst others, the prognosis is not good at all. However, it’s not terrible, even if it does seem to represent the MSP turning into the stadium indie band they swore they’d never become two decades ago. 6/10

Kele – What Did I Do?

In the rather pathetic fall-out around the reunion (or non-reunion) of Bloc Party, it’s kind of been forgotten that Kele’s been branching out in an entirely different direction, and making a pretty decent go of it, truth be told. What Did I Do? starts by sounding like it could be straight from the Katy B album, then a female vocal actually takes the lead. It’s rare someone can be so adept at two musical styles which are so contrasting. There’s some fairly heavy dubstep gubbins going on around the edges too, and Kele’s actual involvement seems to be fairly restricted. However, this doesn’t stop What Did I Do? being a pretty damn fine effort. It forms part of an EP called The Hunter, which on this evidence, is well worth investigation. 8/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Pixie Lott – What Do You Take Me For?

It’s a little-known fact that Pixie Lott has it written into her recording contract that at least 90% of each of her legs must be visible at any one time. Other interesting Pixie Lott facts include her not really being a pixie and… um, her love of mustard sandwiches (that one may be made up… and the first one as well).What Do You Take Me For? is the sound of Pixie Lott moving away from the sugary pop that’s served her well and into more urban territory. The production isn’t too bad at all; horns and descending bass give it a sensual, Latino feel, but Pixie Lott’s honking all over the top of it doesn’t really do it justice. I’d guess she’s trying to be sexy, but it comes off more desperate than anything. 4/10

Jessie J – Who You Are

Jessie J’s surname is actually Cornish, which means she should be prosecuted under the Trades Description Act immediately. Who You Are is the title track from her inexplicably popular album and is – joy of joys – a self-empowerment ballad. It starts off inoffensively enough, but, that voice – what in the name of Godley and Creme is it?! Jessie J is at the forefront of a breed of singer who believes that power and melisma trump melody and control, and the result is truly ugly songs like this. In fact, of all the weeks of doing the Singles Bar, this is the first track I didn’t even make it to the end of. So, if the final two minutes ofWho You Are are a challenging look into the human psyche where Jessie J invents an entirely new, never-before-seen genre of music known as nu-post-oompah-gaze, then I apologise. However, I’m going to stick with my prejudices and assume it’s yet more drivel that would make even the deaf wince. 0/10