The Singles Bar - 09/01/2012

Now everyone’s back at work and we’re in the second week of January, you’d think we’d be in full swing down here at the Singles Bar. However, the tumbleweed of the Christmas chart battle blows past, the glowing cigarette ends of 2011 still smoulder in the pop ashtray and the lorry delivering a fresh of batch of tunes for 2012 seems to have been held up in roadworks somewhere on the outskirts of Droitwich. Before I stretch this Singles-Bar-being-an-actual-bar metaphor to breaking point, it’s probably best for everyone if I just get on with it. So…

The Carpels – Bears

And we kick off this week with an intricate afrobeat riff. Until the vocals come in, you’d be forgiven for thinking this is the return of Foals, though Foals would never sing about “hoodies on the loose”. Actually it would have been better if the vocals hadn’t come in at all, because while the overlapping riffs and taut drumming of Bears is great post-punk fun, the post-Doherty, half-growled, half-lolling singing is irritating, and relegates The Carpels a rung or two on the band ladder. So, instead of being an idiosyncratic, interesting next-big-thing group, they’re a run-of-the-mill, indistinguishable indie band with some above-average riffing. 6/10

FOE – Cold Hard Rock

So, will FOE be friend or… well, you know (Editor’s note: needs work). Listening to Cold Hard Rock, it sounds as if FOE are the house band for the inside of Tim Burton’s head. There’s a fuzzy, foreboding synth line and spooky bells repeatedly playing a slightly discordant motif. It’s trashy, gothic and intriguing, even if the big, anthemic chorus is a little reminiscent of Evanescence and Paramore. Cold Hard Rock is a little like metal kindergarten; if the kids lap up this unthreatening yet slightly spooky slice of grinding pop, they might progress onto the harder stuff at a later age. Despite the fact I’ve just likened FOE to a gateway drug, this isn’t a bad effort at all. 7/10

Black Veil Brides – Fallen Angels

Taking of “woo, spooky” music, this must be the most gothic artist/track title combination I’ve seen in many a (full) moon. There’s something very Def Leppard about Black Veil Brides, though they’re a lot more “metal” than Sheffield’s finest, with crunching riffs and widdly-widdly, fretboard-mangling, look-at-me solos a-go-go. There’s a half-decent melody or two trying to get out of this song, but they're buried in a sludgy, glam-rock mix; you can practically see the teenagers making the devil’s horn hand sign as this song plays. It’s not offensively bad – actually, it’s better than you’d expect from a band whose guitarist goes by the nom de rock of Jinxx – but it’s still the overblown, KISS-aping nonsense most boys (and it’s pretty much only boys who’ll like this) have grown out of by the age of twelve. 3/10

Gabrielle Aplin – Home

Thanks, John Lewis. No, really, thanks a bunch. Ever since Ellie Goulding’s devoid-of-personality cover of Elton John’s Your Song appeared on their Christmas 2010 advertising campaign, there’s been a spate of whey-faced, over-earnest, singing teenage girls who dress like they’ve escaped from a Victorian costume drama. So, following the aforementioned Goulding, we’ve had Birdy, Slow Moving Millie, Charlene Soraia and now Gabrielle Aplin, whose new single is bland, insipid, and several other words that mean bland and insipid. Oh, of course, there’s nothing wrong with it per se, it’s just that the slightly whispered vocals, finger-picked accompaniment and string-laden crescendo have been done to death a million times, and we’re left with the female Matt Cardle – great. 2/10

Air – Seven Stars

I don’t know, you wait ages for an Air song, and then two come along at once. Well, if you count “three weeks apart” as “at once”. Like previous single, Parade, it might come as something of a shock for those who still see Air as the band who do Moon Safari; it’s got a tubthumping bass drum line, slightly woozy, harmonious vocals and the kind of space-age noises that used to crop up in Dubstar singles from the late 90s. Actually, it’s so space-age that about halfway through, the track almost comes to a halt and a mission control countdown begins. There are shades of Sigur Rós in the way Seven Stars carefully builds into a controlled climax, and the overall effect is lovely, if not overly arresting. The upcoming Air album, Le Voyage Dans Le Lune, will certainly be one to watch out for in 2012. 7/10

AU – Solid Gold

They’re called AU, their track’s called Solid Gold… chemistry pun alert! Anyway, there’s something very odd at work here - in fact, the vocals and instrumentation appear to be from two completely different songs. Despite all this, it just about hangs together and kind of works. There’s some experimental, Sleigh Bells stuff happening here, a little Architecture In Helsinki there, a very incongruous, skronky sax solo in the middle. In fact, I’ve not the faintest idea what’s going on– is it indie pop? Is it free jazz? Is it oompah? In reality, it could be all three. I pride myself on being able to write about music, what it sounds like and how it makes us feel, but this one’s got me completely stumped. It’s damn good though. 8/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Tribes – When We Were Children

Do you find Kasabian a bit too musically progressive? Are you baffled as to why One Night Only haven’t been as commercially successful as predicted? Do you miss King Adora, even though you were repulsed by their suggestions of androgyny, because rock music’s for PROPER BLOKES, right? Is your idea of a good night out drinking copious amounts of European lager and leering at women? Do you think Nuts Magazine is “well funny”? Do you use the word “gay” as an insult? Do you think that Fearne Cotton is a brilliant DJ (even though she’s a BIRD, yeah)? Do you think Andy Gray and Richard Keys were hard done by? Do you use the word “banter” unironically? Do you think feminists are “probably lesbians anyway”? Do you think Tim Lovejoy is “a ledge”? Do you think jokes about rape are humourous? Is your idea of cool, rock n’ roll rebellion wearing a leather jacket? Do you think that “Dave Cameron’s got some pretty decent ideas, really”? Are you instantly suspicious of anyone with a university degree or who doesn’t come from your hometown? Do you not really see the point of foreign travel? Do you not see the point of books? Do you communicate with your friends in text speak? Have you ever joined a Facebook group entitled “Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minister”? If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to over half of the above, then congratulations! Your new favourite band has arrived! Now, step away from the computer and promise me you’ll never procreate. 0/10

Nicola Roberts – Yo-Yo

Now, regular readers of The Singles Bar (yes, both of them) will know of my fondness for the music of Ms. Roberts and my continued surprise at her lack of chart success. Obviously, Yo-Yo is precisely amazing and should be number 1 in the charts for a month at least, but it’s probably not the best choice for third single from a struggling album. It’s a mid-tempo, electro-charged track that’s clever and catchy, but if you weren’t won over by the first two singles (Beat Of My Drum and Lucky Day, as if you needed reminding) then Yo-Yo is unlikely to change your mind. If I were choosing Nicola Roberts’ next single (which would require a fairly unlikely sequence of events), I’d stop picking this kind of track and choose something unexpected. So either head-turning, confessional ballad, Sticks + Stones, or jaw-dropping, profanity-laden club banger, Gladiator. Nicola Roberts, you are right and it’s everyone else who is wrong, but you’ve got to change your tack to make them realise. 7/10

The Singles Bar - 19/12/11

It’s last orders at The Singles Bar for 2011, and it’s a Christmas special. So, charge your glasses, get some eggnog or mulled wine, help yourself to a mince pie and prepare for a selection of festive – and not so festive – offerings.

On Sunday, the official Christmas Number 1 single will be announced. Currently, X Factor winners Little Mix hold the top spot with their cover of Damien Rice’s Cannonball, but they’re facing competition from some unlikely corners…

Radiohead – The Daily Mail / Staircase

Fresh from successfully overthrowing capitalism at Occupy LSX (oh, what do you mean capitalism’s still doing quite well?), everybody’s favourite festive elves return with a double single just in time for the holidays – hooray! The Daily Mail is instantly better than anything on recent album, The King Of Limbs; it begins as a Kid A-style plaintive piano ballad before ratcheting up the bile and crunching guitars around the 3-minute mark. Staircase is a lot more like a KoL track, with twitchy, spasmodic beats, though it almost sounds like something you could actually dance to (should you wish). However, it also has the warmth that was missing from so much of that record. After 2011 looked to be a year of mis-steps for Radiohead, it looks like they’re back on form, and not before time. 9/10

Stacey Solomon – Driving Home For Christmas

An important thing to mention here: Chris Rea’s Driving Home For Christmas is actually my favourite Christmas record of all-time. Also, former X Factor contestant and Queen of the Jungle Stacey Solomon is an incredibly likeable personality. She’s a breath of fresh air whenever she’s on TV or radio, and has a fantastic sense of humour. All of which goes to make this reworking all the more disappointing. Solomon’s voice is so devoid of the character she clearly has, that this sounds like one of the dodgy, karaoke rip-offs of songs you can’t find the original of on Spotify. She’s also not helped by the fact this is soundtracking the festive adverts of £1 doner kebab pizza-peddlers, Iceland – who’d want to drive anywhere for that? 3/10

Spector – Grey Shirt & Tie

BBC Sound of 2012 hopefuls, Spector, haven’t actually released a Christmas single, but there are a few East 17 style church bells as a nod to the time of year. Grey Shirt & Tie is reminiscent of a boyband song that’s been dragged through the mud – the production is sludgy and uninspiring, and there’s a grating, cheap-sounding accompaniment in the chorus. However, throw some strings around it, chuck in a key change and it could be another Westlife enormo-ballad (NB: this is not a good thing). Spector aren’t a particularly bad group, but the fact they’ve been earmarked as one to watch in the coming year doesn’t do much to fill me with seasonal cheer. 5/10

Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler – Home For The Holidays

Emma Lee Moss and her beau, Tim Wheeler of Ash, have actually recorded an entire Christmas album. And – shock horror – they’ve done what no-one seems to do any more, and have written a brand new song that celebrates the sheer joy of Christmas (unless I’m wrong and this is a cover, in which case, oops). Home For The Holidays is a gorgeous, rich tune with sweet vocals and sleigh bells that – despite chucking the kitchen sink in – stays just the right side of cheesy. Try listening to this without a massive smile on your face – you will fail. As an addendum, Emmy and Tim also cover Darlene Love’s Marshmallow World on their album – AMAZING. 9/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK

The Only Way Is Essex – Last Christmas

In years to come, what will scientists decide was the point in which it all went wrong for humankind? Will it be the global financial meltdown? Will it be the Watergate scandal? Will it be the moment Countdown by Beyoncé failed to break the Top 30? It’ll probably be the moment during this song when Sam from the TOWIE gang remarks, “I can’t wait to get my Christmas vajazzle,” and a man (no idea who; I couldn’t care less) replies, “Go on, Sam, let’s have a look.” Because, of course, what says Christmas more than applying diamantes to your public area and a leering creep attempting to peek in your underwear? You really get the feeling it’s what Jesus would have wanted. For the uninitiated, this is a cover of the Wham! classic interspersed with catchphrases from the titular televisual abomination and probably represents the nadir of all human accomplishment. I grew up about 20 miles from Essex, and this song makes me want to go and live on a raft in the middle of the Pacific ocean and hack off my own ears with a rusty butter knife. 0/10

The Black Keys – Lonely Boy

The latest track from the bluesome twosome features one of the filthiest riffs you’ll hear this side of legality and a chorus that seems to ascend infinitely. From their humble, lo-fi beginnings, The Black Keys have become adept at writing radio-friendly alternative hits. Unfortunately, this sheen means they’ve lost some of the rawness that – opening riff aside – set them apart when they first started attracting attention. There’s no real Christmas feel about Lonely Boy except for what may be a female choir in the background, but that’s clutching at straws. A perfectly passable effort, but nothing to make you run down to the shops, that is, if people actually bought singles at the shops any more. 6/10

Rizzle Kicks – Mama Do The Hump

It’s been a pretty astounding year for Rizzle Kicks. The BRIT-school graduates (yes, I know) have come from nowhere to have a run of hit singles. They’ve got something about them which is likely to make them go far – they’re the harmless, bubblegum face of hip-hop, and they certainly have a way with a catchy melody. However, they are on a run of releasing tracks which are worse than their predecessor, and their popularity means they’re about to reach saturation point. Mama Do The Hump has some quite bizarre Western-style banjos behind it but other than that, it’s a fairly forgettable mid-tempo track that doesn’t really go anywhere or say much. Nothing too offensive but nothing too great either. 5/10

Air – Parade

Rather appropriately given their previous efforts, Air seem to have drifted back into Planet Pop rather quietly. Parade is far from your typical Air track though; there are elements of prog and Kraftwerk here, as well as a haunting ghostly feel provided by the backdrop of strings. In fact, it’s something you’d be more likely to associate with their fellow Frenchmen, Daft Punk. But this is none the worse for it, and it’s heartening to see a group who have been around for over 15 years unafraid to try and break new ground. An odd choice for a single perhaps, and a little disjointed, but a welcome return for Jean-Benoît Dunckel and Nicolas Godin all the same. 8/10

Cast – See That Girl

Hang on, is that the Cast? As in, briefly-inexplicably-popular-in-the-mid-to-late-90s Cast? Well, two seconds of guitar jangle tells you that it is indeed that Cast. Writer’s friend, Wikipedia, claims they’ve been back together since 2010, but it’s certainly news to me. With See That Girl, though, it’s as if they’ve never been away, as it has all the hallmarks of a typical Cast song. By which, I mean it sounds like an inferior version of the bands that begat Cast (i.e. The La’s and Shack). See That Girl causes a brief pang of Britpop nostalgia, but Cast were never one of the leading lights of the scene, and their return feels largely inessential. 5/10

Wurzels – Sleigh Ride / White Christmas

Now, this is more like it! If you’ve never heard of The Wurzels, I feel honoured that I’m the one who gets to explain them to you. They’re effectively a band of cider-guzzling musicians who sing in broad West Country accents and are the main exponents of a particularly niche genre known as Scrumpy n’ Western. These covers of the Christmas favourites are exactly what you’d expect from The Wurzels: ridiculously tongue-in-cheek, full of oo-arr’s and banjos, and regional pronunciation as ripe as the finest cider apples. A novelty? Oh, completely, but one that’s good fun and does no harm. The fact that the band had a #1 hit in 1976 – with Combine Harvester – does trouble me somewhat though. 7/10

Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

The thing is, yah, Christmas has become, like, soooo over-commercialised, right? And, it’s like, totally sticking it to the man, by, you know, getting a, like, revolutionary anthem to the top of the charts. And it’s completely in the spirit of Christmas and not at all pointless, right? So, the fact there’s a carefully orchestrated campaign every year to hijack the charts by a load of people with nothing better to do with their time is, like, well funny, yeah? ‘Cause, like, if you go on Facebook, yeah, there’s this page, and it’s, like, well anti-X Factor and that, ‘cause, like, Simon Cowell’s totally ruining music, and you should all like “proper” music, like, I don’t know, Kasabian and Kings of Leon or something. Anyway, as I was telling Johnny when we were on a massive lash, it’s well funny, and- OH FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE GO AND GET A JOB AND DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE. 8/10 for the song; 0/10 for the idea and sentiment

Military Wives with Gareth Malone – Wherever You Are

Now, if you’ll excuse me, after that last attempt, I need to recalibrate my cynicismometer. The Military Wives (no Decemberists connection, sadly) are a choir comprised entirely of women whose partners are serving overseas in armed conflicts. They’ve recorded this track with ridiculously baby-faced choirmaster, housewives’ favourite and primetime TV botherer Gareth Malone and it’s the overwhelming favourite to top the charts this year. So, of course, it’s a saccharine effort that doesn’t sound remarkable in any particular way but hey, it’s Christmas and hey, it’s all for charidee and hey, they’ve all been through hard times and hey, I’d rather it got to number 1 than Little Mix. It’s a heartwarming tale and, despite the previous tracks suggesting maybe it’s about genital decoration or pseudo-rebellious grunge, it’s actually what Christmas is all about. Group hug, everyone! 7/10