The Singles Bar: 14/05/12

Today sees the debut of the UK singles streaming chart, which seeks to give a more accurate view of what the good citizens of this fair isle are actually listening to on a regular basis. So, what’s number 1? Have the British public gone leftfield with their streaming choices, leading to a chart-topper that’s far removed from what’s being purchased? Um… it’s Carly Rae Jepsen.

It’s an interesting progression in the way the charts are created though, and it could well be that these streaming figures are amalgamated into the singles chart for real one day soon. What would be even better though, is if extra chart points were given for high scores on The Singles Bar. That, my friends, is the real dream.

The Saturdays – 30 Days

They’ve always seemed a bit Second Division and try-too-hard, but recently, The Saturdays have been racking up a number of impressive singles. 30 Days seems like a fairly decent track given an entirely unnecessary Calvin-Harris-in-Ibiza makeover, thus removing any semblance of subtlety it may have had. With Girls Aloud on hiatus, the crown of biggest girlband should really be The Saturdays’ for the taking, but they just can’t seem to make that final leap, and mis-steps like 30 Days aren’t particularly going to help. It also makes me feel hopelessly old every time I recall one of them used to be in S Club Juniors. 5/10

Katy B & Mark Ronson – Anywhere In The World

Anywhere In The World is the promotional anthem for Coca-Cola (other overpriced, teeth-rotting soft drinks manufactured by grotesquely rich multi-national corporations are available) during this year’s Summer Olympics. Of course, it was released in one particular country before any other territory, and that country was… um… Belgium, obviously (no, me neither). It doesn’t fill you with confidence when one of your favourite new artists signs up for an enormous advertising campaign and it shows nothing of what made On A Mission such an essential album. It doesn’t particularly sound much like a Ronson production either, unless he’s going to start putting fizzing and can-opening noises in all his records from now on. While selling-out may be an antiquated notion, this really is a horrible cash-in driven solely by shifting products rather than anything remotely artistic. It’s basically the 21st Century I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing (ask your Dad), except worse. 0/10

Bruce Springsteen – Death To My Hometown

The latest single from Broooooce starts off with bass drum and handclaps, and for three or four awful seconds, it sounds like it’s going to turn into We Will Rock You. Instead, it’s another Springsteen tale of a hard-working man fighting against… oh, I don’t know, whatever. He may be a sacred cow, but to me all Springsteen songs sound the same and while I’m sure he’s a great showman, I can’t help but want to tell him to get over himself and listen to some disco music. The folky sounds (including – bleurgh – tin-whistle) sound a little jarring against the digital precision of the percussion, but if you’re a down-home good ol’ boy, I’m sure you’ll love this. 3/10

Madonna – Girl Gone Wild

Cor, she’s a rum ‘un, that Madonna, ain’t she? Look everyone, she’s (sort of) named her latest song after a controversial pornography franchise – how daring! The spoken-word bit at the beginning is a little similar to Like A Prayer, but then it goes very much camp and hi-NRG. What Madonna’s realised is that music about how great music is can be fantastic fun, and this sounds like it would be brilliant to dance to (“Here it comes, when I hear that 808 drum”). It’s incredibly slick and polished, yet it all serves the track exquisitely. The lyrics about being a ‘bad girl’ are a little tired but, if anything, the vocals are a little restrained, and Girl Gone Wild is a great end-of-the-night club track that shows Madge has still got it. Strange, I’ve never been a big Madonna fan but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed all the singles taken from MDNA. 8/10

Tom Jones – Hit Or Miss

What’s that? Tom Jones is a judge on a primetime BBC talent show and now he’s decided to release a new single – what a coincidence! There’s no denying Mr. Cuprinol has a phenomenal voice but the quality of his output has been severely lacking now for longer than anyone can remember. Interestingly, given he’s back in the public eye, Hit Or Miss isn’t some desperate grab at mainstream pop relevance, but a mid-tempo, country-tinged track which remains restrained (well, as much as a Tom Jones song can). Given the last thing I heard from Tom Jones was a wretched cover of U2’s Beautiful Day with Jessie J, will.i.am and that fella from The Script who even his own mother can’t remember the name of, Hit Or Miss is a rather nice surprise. By no means essential, but a pretty decent effort nonetheless. 6/10

Gaz Coombes – Hot Fruit

If I were Gaz Coombes (which – spoiler alert – I’m not), I’d be feeling fairly aggrieved at the lack of success and recognition I’d had over the last fifteen years ago. Supergrass were always a consistent, inventive group, and subsequent projects haven’t captured the public imagination, so now he’s walking his own path. Hot Fruit races along on Bloc Party-like taut drumming and rumbling bass before exploding into a chorus that, while exhilarating, is never quite as raucous as it threatens to be. It has some interesting chord changes and haunting backing vocals, before providing a spooky bridge after the second chorus. After that, it’s full steam ahead and Coombes has created something fit to stand alongside the finest work of his alma mater. Two decades or so of making music and Gaz Coombes can still create something as good as Hot Fruit. I reiterate: the man should be much more revered than he is. 8/10

Scissor Sisters – Only The Horses

Seemingly unfinished song titles like this irritate me. Only The Horses what? Only The Horses trot? Only The Horses gallop? Only The Horses that don’t unseat their rider are classed as having finished in the 2.40 at Haydock? It’s right up there with Love’s Seven And Seven Is (the answer being ‘fourteen’, presumably). Anyway, this track becomes recommended mainly because the cover art is simply a zebra standing in a purple and orange sky. Rather than sounding like a quintessential Scissor Sisters track, it’s more like an AOR track that’s been given the Scissor Sisters treatment, and as such, it doesn’t quite fit together properly. Scissor Sisters are at their best when they’re so camp they’re beyond parody, and this plays it a little too straight (pardon the pun). Oh, and the answer to the question? Apparently, “only the horses can find us tonight”, and, “only the horses can bring us back home”. Some party that must have been. 4/10

The Enemy – Saturday

LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! Oh, do kindly piss off, won’t you? 0/10

Kimbra – Settle Down

You know her as the woman on that Gotye track, but New Zealander Kimbra has actually been releasing singles since 2005. Settle Down has tribal rhythms, makes great use of backing vocals and sounds like the kind of thing Sia does when she’s not commandeering the charts with Flo Rida and David Guetta. It’s a bit Flying Pickets’ Only You, a bit Lykke Li, a bit Neneh Cherry, and exactly the sort of music that deserves a wider audience. A small criticism, perhaps, is that the chorus’s hook isn’t exactly the strongest, but there’s enough evidence here to suggest Kimbra could be successful for a good while yet. Who’d have thought? There IS a silver lining to Somebody That I Used To Know being the most ubiquitous song since The Rembrandts'. 8/10

Niki & The Dove – Tomorrow

The continued non-success of Niki & The Dove is just one of myriad reasons for making me want to see out my days in an air-raid shelter with only a lifetime’s supply of chocolate and an 80s synth-pop compilation for company. Tomorrow doesn’t sound as promising as previous N&TD singles initially, but then bursts into life at the chorus stage, with a euphoric release of vocals, drums and electronic magnificence. In a similar way to the Kimbra track, there’s something a little early 90s about the whole caboodle, and you get the impression Ms. Niki is no stranger to the works of Neneh Cherry either. It’s a shame the verses aren’t entirely up to scratch, but the chorus is such an incredible blast of amazingness, it’s impossible to see past this for that most coveted of awards… 8/10 – SINGLE OF THE WEEK